Conversations Amongst Men - Vulnerable as Fuck
"Yeah mate been good mostly, but also feeling pretty sensitive recently”. Carpark Conversations by Dean Dampney
Alright, this feels like my very first blog post. Even though it’s so not. The reason being that I’m full of stuff ready to fall out of me, and in so many ways the voice that’s speaking through these words, my voice, is feeling like it’s time to yell it out loud. I have no idea what’s coming into the next moment here, but I can tell you it’s going to be impassioned, and with no higher desire than to bring some ideas together in a way that I sincerely hope will start building a forum for men and the beautiful women in our lives. I intention above all that we can move towards and into a space of flourishing together.
Conversations Amongst Men for me traditionally have been laced with small hints of purposeful ‘real’ content, that I’ve consciously tagged as bringing wisdom and connection. These hints have given me hope, that the stuff that I’ve yearned more for is alive (just) and I’ve acknowledged that more can come. But I also acknowledged that it didn’t seem to be a shared dream, or at least a practice.
As my life has unfolded I’ve brought more and more connection into it on these terms with other men. Allowing the hints of good stuff to be infused with more than a hint - a solid dash if not dousing. Because I want to grow! And bring that to other men. And I recognise that as the specific beasts that we are, in our masculine, that we’re the one’s best served to guide each other in this realm.
I’m super mindful, of the joy that light banter and small talk can bring. So not averse to that. I love it in fact. And rejoice in finding that common ground. Be it over a game of cards, a pre jam session yarn, or god help us a game of footy on the tele (insert old wound trigger moan here). BUT where the juice is for me, is to connect with others via the mutually shared expression of first and foremost, authenticity. From here I value in the same voice, honesty, and particularly for us blokes, radical vulnerability. Throw in some deep listening, felt empathy, compassion, and rejoice for each other. And by no means do I exclude women from this equation. I just want to punctate that as men to men, I feel that this is sadly a way of chatting, of being, that’s often sadly lacking.
So first things first. Authenticity. “How the fuck are ya?” my mate says. I reply “I’m feeling emotionally strung out, physically exhausted, and quite angry between tears…”. “Geez mate, hectic….how ‘bout those Rabbitos hey!”. “Nah man, those Rabbitoes don’t mean shit to me. I’m crying out to be heard by another man coz I’ve got some heavy shit going on…”. That’s the practice. Or alternatively, in full authenticity I reply “man I’m fucking stoked, there’s more positive vibes coming to me and through me, that leaves me feeling beyond words but I’d love to try share…”. Authentic, and vulnerable as fuck. That’s what I want to hear from my mates, and likewise that’s how I want to give it!.
Why feels like a fair question. And the reason is that if we can ‘man up’ and voice our truth with authentic vulnerability, strength and conviction in our right to say it how it is, others will hear, and learn to excercise such a simple, yet largely forgotten tenant. For the benefit of all of us! Men and women.
Authentic considered communication is masculine as hell, as long as it comes from truth. Anything less, we can smell a mile away, particularly if those finely tuned senses come in the female form. The reason being that women have practiced and defined the art of authentic communication long before we grabbed a long neck and hit the couch in reply. Hear women and learn.
If it aint practical, theoretical, rational or just plain muscular enough, ask yourself where that’s coming from. “Did I learn tough talk from my old man?”. With penetrative awareness of self and other, we need to make the practice authentic communication for the sake of developing wisdom. There’s too many men sitting alone with no one to hear their cry’s. There’s too many men surrounded by mates, too scared to say how it is, to ask the questions, in fear of breaking protocols. It’s time that men started supporting men. Above all, that needs to happen so women and men can grow better at supporting each other too!
With my masculine Therapist hat on (I’m sure you can picture it - a bit frayed at the edges with a picture of a Marlin embroidered on the front), I’m conscious of so many of my male clients, feeling unsure about what’s ‘safe’ to say and what’s not. We’re so communicatively suppressed that we often go into 'doing mode’, trying to fix, or at least distract ourselves and hopefully our significant others. Instead we just need to lay it out as it is. Compassionately and honestly. Without fear of having said the wrong thing. That’s what’s fearless, and that’s once again, where the juice is!
So last but not least, on this significantly long ‘first blog post’, men next time your mate asked how you’re going, give him your god honest truth warts and all. And by exhibiting such fearlessness you’ll invite his. You’ll be amazed how that intention alone will open doors, and expand our consciousness well beyond the shallow waters of our day to day ‘auto reply’. Give it a shot.
As for me, ‘how you doing Dean?’ I hear you ask. Thanks for asking! I’m buzzed. Or more specifically I’m feeling a resonantly steady hum of energy that’s on the rise and defined by love and joy, and striving for wisdom and all encompassing compassion. I’m also defined in the now by subtle ebbs and flows, sometimes feeling the depth of suffering that world ‘crisis’ have part fuelled, feeling the fear in the streets, and in my conversations with my families and friends, let alone clients. These things are in my field. And therefore they’re also mine. With which I contemplate deeply, meditate and pray that wisdom comes for the sake and for all sentient beings.
If you’ve got this far, wow, I’m surprised. Go lockdown! I say that with nothing but positivity and rejoice that good comes from all. If this has resonated on a level that you’re feeling please send it on.
Kobes and Leif starting young!